It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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