I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
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