I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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