Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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