could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
