not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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