toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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