Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
