the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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