My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
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