i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
