Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Randomize
