after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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