hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
