New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
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