i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Oh god it's open bar.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
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