Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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