I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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