Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
