I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
