I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
