remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Randomize
