he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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