I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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