Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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