ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
