I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
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