highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
