guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Randomize
