I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
