dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize
