im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
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