i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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