i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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