Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Last comment. I know of no exercises, diets or practices out there to help keeping balls young and healthy. They simply succumb to gravity.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Randomize
