Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I think I sprained my soul last night
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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