I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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