Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
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