just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
