Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize
