You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
