sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
