no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
You pole danced in your parka.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Bring me that man meat
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
