it was nice. we just kind of hung out. she didnt even mention the farting incident.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Randomize
