I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Randomize
