dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I showed him my bush... on skype.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
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