Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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