I want to make a zoo with you.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
