be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
