Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
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