I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
