3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
