and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
