I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
I want to be your penis for a week.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
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