I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize