Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
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