broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
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