Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Randomize
