At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
