The maid of honor just puked.
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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