Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Someone signed my nipple.
Randomize
