this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
