dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
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