I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
