We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
