I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
