Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
