Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Found the puke drawer
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
