Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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