No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
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