soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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