Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
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