Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
drinking out of a sandbucket again
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
Randomize
