smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
