Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
My boob is missing a layer of skin
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
