for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Randomize
