i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize